Finally, the stress cloud lifted enough for me to realize the obvious. Why not do it myself?
So I did. I took my two, plain, inexpensive but sturdy lamps from Home Depot and gave them a makeover that makes them look exactly like...me. They suit my personality better now than anything I could buy.
I decided I wanted to use late medieval woodblock prints as inspiration for something fantastical, and for the graphic effect they have that would make them suitable in silhouette. I have many casts of medieval monsters that will be hanging in my living room once I move, so I thought to tie it in with that. Once I found prints that suited what I wanted, I scaled them, printed them, attached them to the outside of my shade and then used my light table to help transfer them. I began to draw them on the inside of the shade using a permanent marker. This way, when the lamp is turned off, the image is very unobtrusive. Only when it is turned on will the viewer get a treat.
The finished set of shades are coordinating but not matching. I made one griffin and one unicorn, both in a medieval-style forest. You could finish the look by adding coordinating ribbon along the top and bottom border with some fabric glue, but this is not necessary. The best part about this whole process because I used what I had at hand: total cost, in dollars, to me: $0. Though it did take many hours!